A bucket of thoughts

Depressing days often evoke memories of my healthy life. Happy childhood memories of course, but more like memories of quite simple and everyday adult things like summer walks along the river, fishing in a creek while fighting the mosquitos, a beer with friends in a buzzing beer tent on a music festival, shopping on a Saturday at a overcrowded shopping center, the monthly competition at the darts club, coffee at the town's outdoor dining .... people....energy. ... movement .... joy of life .... it was such happy times, but you never thought of that then.

Quite a bad timing for such memories when you're already down one might think, but in some strange way it comforts a little to feel a little sorry for yourself and the situation you've ended up in.It forces one to think about what you still actually CAN do, to think positively in the middle of all the grief.

I can still do a lot, the question is instead if I am prepared to pay the price, i.e. to take the consequences in the form of insane pain and unnatural fatigue during x number of hours or days depending on the physical or mental requirements of the activity.

And then there's the age thing. How do you handle the realization that life is in the last slowly sloping downhill, that time slowly flows out? One has climbed over the top of the hill, i.e. the time of life where you are the best version of yourself, and now you're sliding down that slope faster than you imagined. So much you wanted to do or see that never got done, so much you would like to redo and do better, so many mistakes....

There is no point in getting depressed, you just have to accept the situation and trying to make the best of it. Maybe engage in some self-examination and feel what you really want to do with the rest of your life, but also remember to be kind to yourself and not allow yourself to feel remorse or doubt about your value. Embrace what is offered and doing all the fun you get the opportunity to do, even if uncertainty, shyness or fear screams no, don't do it! You only live once.....

It's popular to make so-called "bucket lists" nowadays, that is, to list the things you want to do or accomplish before you leave the earth, and preferably in some sort of priority order. Most lists usually include parachuting / bungy jump activities, a dream travel, swimming with dolphins, meet a celebrity or participating in any classic sporting event.

I don't know if all the activities of this type ever gets ticked off on these lists, which must be the intention, so why not be a little more realistic when deciding your goals? Otherwise, they will only stay there as wishful dreams.

Well, I also have a bucket list, but the content is not very exciting and does not directly consist of some cool and hefty things, but of more achievable goals, specially adapted and perfectly feasible as long as my health doesn't drastically deteriorate.

I will be content to at some point manage to travel abroad, a trip with some historically interesting theme, and to succeed in developing my hobby to some type of permanent activity and to experience a live concert with one of my idols. Three things that are realistically feasible if health permits.

But right now, the focus is on fixing my full-time job and a weekly commute for a few more years.

It is a challenge in itself.....

xoxo

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