Summer Ups & Downs

Every day, every hour, every minute and every second .... a constant fight against pain and fatigue. It’s the reality of chronic sickness, and it becomes more apparent and sad in the summertime when the rest of humanity engages in wonderful and fun holiday activities.

I can only speak for myself, but I think some of you can relate. The wonderful feeling of anticipation
you have when it's spring time, you feel happy and excited. You make some simple but fun holiday plans, but when the summer has finally arrived and plans have to be changed due to extreme fatigue, pain and other difficulties, the air goes out of you like a broken balloon.

A slight depression or just the usual sorrowful acceptance hits you and you wonder why you expose yourself to this scenario of happy expectations and optimistic holiday planning exactly every year, when you basically know that you are not getting healthier over the years, rather the opposite....

To be positive we can call it optimistic persistence, never give up. More realistically we can call it vain dreams, an unattainable goal. But humans are rarely completely realistic, and how fun is that? One has to have something to look forward to in order to cope with everyday life, how difficult or impossible it may seem to be or to accomplish.

So when friends and neighbours pack their motorhomes and caravans to depart on their summer adventures, I'm sitting in my overgrown garden in the sunshine and bird song, with a cup of fresh brewed coffee in hand and a jug of ice cold orange juice on the table smiling and waving. But I'm sitting there with a strong desire to do something, anything at all, anything other than ordinary everyday life, and preferably somewhere else than home. But when the neighbours return after a couple of weeks, whining over the crazy traffic, crappy holiday weather and their restless, cranky kids, I'm still sitting in my garden chair, sipping coffee and watching the weeds grow.

I am gracefully persevering, trying to make the most of the situation and telling myself that there will be more summers and at least I've been well and properly rested during this holiday, which I really need before the oncoming long and dark months with weekly commuting and a lot to do at work. (Yep, relativization and self-suggestion usually works....)

But basically and truthfully, deep inside, in the dark and invisible to the outside world, sits an angry, bitter, frustrated, tired and tearful old girl feeling immensely sorry for herself....

xoxo